MOVIE REVIEW: Dracula
Tim MatassaBela Lugosi sets the standard for ALL Dracula’s to come. Plus, Van Helsing is a worthy adversary, Renfield is unhinged, and Harker loses everything cool about him from the book.
Movies
MOVIE REVIEW: The Pope’s Exorcist
An old-school exorcist battles the King of Hell AND church bureaucracy. Plus, grave robbing, Spanish Inquisition coverups, and my nightmare is France winning the World Cup.
MOVIE REVIEW: Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey
Pooh and Piglet have gone feral, and no woman is safe. Plus, Christopher Robin gets punished for going to college, and Eeyore draws the short straw.
MOVIE REVIEW: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Comparison is the thief of joy—and it’s making the queen psychotic. Plus, a spell is cast, an apple is poisoned, and a premature burial is planned. It’s dark days for Snow White.
MOVIE REVIEW: The Midnight Meat Train
Leon won’t stop stalking a century-old serial killer called The Butcher. Plus, jars of pustules, eyeball-popping violence, and a big surprise at the end of the line for the Midnight Meat Train.
MOVIE REVIEW: The Land Before Time
Littlefoot faces tragedy while trying to avoid starvation. Plus, three horns never play with long necks, Spike just eats and sleeps, and Cera makes a strong case for most annoying kids’ character ever.
MOVIE REVIEW: X
Meet Pearl and Howard, two of the saddest psychos you’ll ever see. Plus, Mia Goth pulls double duty, Maxine won’t settle for a life she doesn’t deserve, and it’s all business to Wayne—as long as the camera is rolling.
MOVIE REVIEW: Ice Age
It’s Three Men and a Baby with prehistoric mammals. Plus, herds stick together, Diego plays a terrifying version of peekaboo, and we should all hope to have someone look at us the way Scrat looks at that acorn.
MOVIE REVIEW: Five Nights at Freddy’s
What could possibly go wrong at a kids pizzeria called Freddy Fazbear’s? Plus, Matthew Lillard makes everything better, and don’t take sleeping pills when surrounded by homicidal animatronics.
MOVIE REVIEW: The Menu
There’s a fine line between cooking with love and obsession. Plus, cheeseburgers inspire joy, s’mores are an assault on the human palate, and when you’re served a breadless bread plate, you’re being insulted.
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